notes to my sons

Children

October 19th, 2014

I search the horizon,
Scanning northeast past
the Don Valley,
See two red lights marking a hill
In the general direction of you
My boys
It is Sunday morning
4am
You are 26 km away
From where I sleep tonight;
The fastest route up the Parkway
Zipping eastward on the 401
A quick jaunt south on McCowen
I could perhaps sneak in
And creep to your bedsides
Rub your sweaty hair
And whisper in your ears
“Mommy loves you”
I hope your dreams are sweet,
Your souls resting free
Of the despair I feel
Knowing that you might need me
And I cannot be there.
My children,
I wish you the self-centred joy
Of a happy childhood
Untethered by longing and regret.
I will her to be good enough
To love you as I do,
To put your needs before her own
To put down the vodka
To really work to support you
To be the parent you need her to be.
But even then, I know
That one day you will see
What now you are too young to know.
And I hope you will forgive me
For being forced into this split life;
I hope this way is best for you
Though it breaks my heart.
I feel you tonight
Plain as if you were calling me
From the other room.
I want you to know
When you call,
My heart hears
But I cannot respond
Except with these words:
My children
I love you
To the far reaches
Of the very last star
And back.
I will love you always
And forever,
From the moment you first took shape in my womb
Until my last breath on this earth
And into the unknown beyond
Your joy is my joy
Your pain is my pain
You are so special
My gifts to the world
My boys.

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